I occasionally get emails from want to be script writers who usually they’re the next greatest thing, and that there are loads of paying jobs as script writers in porn (in my experience, the director usually works on their own scripts with an editor). The samples they send are usually pretty bland and contrived and it’s more that they just want to ‘work in’ porn, rather than have any real talent.
Then there was this rainy Thursday morning when I was sent this proposal (names removed);
We are ______________ and ______________ and we are professional porn writers with very unique talent in translating the modern sexual world into text. We have written many porn scripts in our lives and we think we may have some scripts that maybe of interest to you. Please get back to us at your convenience.”
So far so good. Then they sent a teaser, which sounded like the typical pool boy/ yard guy … but this guy’s lawnmower had a dick!
As we’re a week past April Fool’s Day, I considered the possibility that they had their days mixed up but then again, they might be the Salvador Dali or the Tim Burton of porn? Does porn need the surrealistic touch?
Mindy: A happy go lucky girl with conservative tendencies but a knack for sexual adventure.
Chad: A guy who is down on his luck but is trying to make an honest living at his new job as a landscaper.
Fade in to a woman standing in her living room staring out the sliding glass door towards her backyard. She watches her landscaper as he sprays off the grass from the lawn mower after tending to her garden in the summer heat. He wipes the sweat from his brow as he notices her watching. Camera cuts back to her in her living room as she stares back at the landscaper and the lawnmower he’s currently cleaning. He stands in a way that he barely blocks the front of the lawn mower. She smiles at him as she slowly slips off her robe that she had been wearing. Enticed by her aggressive sexuality, the landscaper begins to remove his wife beater. The woman gestures for him to move over but he’s confused. She slides open the glass door and steps out into the sun. The landscaper grows even more aroused but confused also. Mindy approaches him.
Chad: Do you like what you see? *While smirking*
Mindy: Yeah, I always love a hot body
Chad: You checking out my hot body?
Mindy: In a way
Mindy notices what appears to be a giant dildo taped to the front of Chads lawnmower.
Mindy: Oh, what is that?
Chad: just my lawn mowers dick
Mindy: Can I take it for a spin?
Chad: For you? Anything
AMBIENT EDM PLAYS
Mindy gets double teamed by lawn mower and Chad. Chad cums on lawnmower and then flexes as the camera pans to Mindy cuddling the mower. Soft guitars cry out as the camera fades out.
TO BE CONTINUED…”
(please don’t continue!)